Sex Sucks

Sex addiction has made my sex life hell. Anyone else raise your hand...
Coming back from that and the journey to having a healthy sex life.... sucks.

I awoke this morning with the man's hands on me. Lately it's been the good kind of hands. Loving hands, adoring hands. This morning felt different. Whether it was just me or it was what it seemed. It felt forceful. It felt like he knew what he wanted and he was gonna get it. Forget the "good morning" or soft good morning kiss. I'm not sure what was going through his head so I can't speak there. But the feeling I had was familiar. A feeling that I used to feel all the time when he persued sex with me.

He tried to take things further.. still not a word even being said to me or even at my face level. I angrily butted him off and scooted to the side. I was angry. And I didn't care to hide it. After laying there.. I succomed to feeling sorry.. WHY?! no idea. I told him I was sorry. He said it was "okay". And he layed there. This is actually better than what he used to do- get annoyed and upset with me. This was progress. But it still sucked none the less.

Kids came in and wanted to open their twelve days of christmas present from the grandparents. He was barely present- laying in bed. I started to get the kids downstairs for breakfast. I put a load of laundry in. All the while my emotions are on that horrible rollercoaster. I check back in my room. He's still lying there. I said are you going to come downstairs? He said "I will." I tried to pry some talking out of him. I I knew something was amiss. and I knew the reason.. But I wanted to talk through it. All he said was that he's just feeling sorry for himself. right whatever. I closed the doors to the room. If he was going to wallow then I'm going to act like I don't even have him. Because when I say no to sex... this is what I choose. I choose a long emotional morning. I know this. It's not new. I know for a fact if we would have had sex, he would have been perked up right out of bed afterwards and probably gotten the kids breakfast and been present and happy.  I knew that. I knew that when I said no to sex it was going to be a long morning. So whatever. I decided he can wallow and I can not give a f about him. That's fine. I kind of proved to myself how still attatched I am to him and his addiction. I cannot for the life of my fully detatch.

He finally came downstairs an hour later. I didn't acknowledge him. I didn't feel I needed to or even the least bit wanted to. He got right on his laptop. I glared at him. I despised him. He still wallowed. I hate when he wallows in front of me. Get out of my face. I don't need you or this in my life. I was still so angry. And can I just say how much I hate electronics. his phone, his computer, his twitter, I wish he would prefer being present in real life with us than finding out the latest on his social media. It's insulting.

Back to this morning.

He started acting like everything was normal about an hour later. We still weren't talking. How infuriating is that.

He came over to me. still not saying a thing about this.. I said .. I hate this. He said, "I'm sorry. Me too. I'm sorry.. I just had to wallow for a bit... watch some videos to relax and now i'm fine"

Wow. Great.

I said "where does that leave me in all this??"

He said "Well how do you feel?"

I feel a lot more than what I told him.. which was cut short because of a phone call.

We are at this standstill... in recovery. In his recovery and then seperately my own.

He doesn't go to the counselor. He doesn't do his independent scripture / recovery study anymore. He used to do those things.. and things were good. they felt good. But I can feel things slipping. I can feel and sense his annoyance with little things like he used to do. With the kids. with me. with anything!

I can feel that.

Of course he didn't think we or he are at standstill. I pointed out some of those things and he agreed.

I hate this.

Is that okay?? Cause I do.

And sometimes I don't want to be strong.

Sometimes I just want to be angry. And I want to kick him in the butt to get back on track. Like fully.

I'm angry. and I hate this. and that's okay.