Say it.. "Pornography"

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Church is a funny place for me. I love it.. but there are some hard moments that seem to arise the more I learn about, deal with, and heal from my husband's sex addiction.
Times I feel left out. Sometimes it feels i am never being heard. Or that everyone thinks my life is perfect so no help is ever offered. How are they supposed to help when my struggles are not seen.
Not seen, or even talked about.
I feel like this huge problem with pornography never comes up or is acknowledged in actual church.
Which is crazy because of how serious it is. More importantly how real it is.
It's real. and there are many of us in the midst of dealing with sex addiction or pornography addiction.

In relief society, which is a class for the women in the ward, a lovely sister gave a great lesson about strengthening families. I chimed in a couple times and felt the spirit throughout.
She then asked a question: "What are some things that are threatening our families?"
I waited a few seconds and was the first to raise my hand for a comment.  I said plain and simple, "Pornography". It was dead silent. I didn't dare look around. But the sister up front humbly nodded her head and said yes.. it does. Nothing else. No elaboration on the subject. No other comments. No other nodding heads. It was like I had said a bad word. Or a dirty word. It was utterly quiet.
Another lady then raised her hand and said something to the extent of people treating their pets as their "kids" and how that is ruining families. And everyone audibly agreed. Like everyone had something to add to that and I could hear people agreeing from across the room. And that topic lasted a good few minutes.
I was shocked. I couldn't believe how the answer "pornography" was receieved. It was like nobody wanted to talk about it. Or maybe nobody wanted to "out" themselves thinking if they talked about it then it meant maybe they were the ones dealing with it personally. And heaven forbid anyone know.
I dont know. I don't know why I wasn't backed up.  It was the first time I really felt alone in this way at church.
It was sad. Because I know that there are so many women out there who are dealing with this... I know it.
And what's more sad is that as women..... we couldn't even talk about this problem that is utterly destroying our families. Our marraiges. Our children. Our lives..... if we let it. If we don't get help on every aspect. If we don't have knowledge about it.
How are we supposed to be prepared to fight against pornography and beyond if we cannot even utter the word in Sunday school.
It's saddening.

Seven

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Today is my anniversary. Not my d-day anniversary.. or porniversary.. 

but my real deal married anniversary. 

On this day, we have now been married 7 years. 

It's weird.

A year or two in there I've been proud on this day. 

Proud and happy to have made it another year. 

Really, because we nearly didn't make it at some points.

Some years I really kinda hated the upcoming anniversary. 

It pissed me off.

It was like a huge lie staring me straight in the face.

"4" years... of hurt, lies, pain, anger, tears, 

then "5" years ... of more hurt, more lies, more pain.

But today... I'm glad. 

But i'm not just happy that.. "we made it yayyy"

This past year has felt like a real marraige. 

A loving marraige. 

Not a perfect marraige.. but one of goodness.

Things are looking up.

There IS something to look forward to. 

The good vibes are radiating... and i love it. 

And it's all because of recovery. for both of us.

He hasn't truly acted out for months. 

(truly meaning: pornography OR contacted another girl with explecit texts)

Weirdly, i'm not keeping track of that. 

There are slip ups of minor things. 

But there is also a road we are on. 

And we know where to go with each bump in the road.

I'm so pleased with the progress we have made in the big picture of our marriage. 

Today I put my ring on. 

Oddly enough it wasn't really because its our anniversary..

I was going in to my son's new school and didn't want them to think I was some single teenage mom. HAH

But i've left it on. 

It still feels "off". 

I still don't like to look at it when its on. 

But hey...maybe it'll last till datenight??

Or most likely it will make its way back onto my jewlery dish. 

I wouldn't mind putting the ring away somewhere.. saving it. 

And just getting a new one. 

With a new committment from him. 

Let's make it on a beach while we're at it. 

This year, our anniversary isn't bitter.

it's a day to celebrate.

Where we've been. 

Where we are going. 

Who we will become. 

Reflecting on our little family.

And envisioning what the future has in store for our family. 

Married at a fresh 18 years old. 

Expecting a baby boy who would change our world. 

Here's to 7 years.

Some of those years may have been hell. 

But it sure as hell has been worth it. 

It feels good to say that.. and mean it.

Triggers Galore

The mind is a crazy thing. It can take you so many places.
Him saying just one thing can trigger me so bad.
What was a great evening home with the family turns into hurt, tears, and more tears. Taking me to a place that I hate.
It's like a slow spiral down to this dark place. A place that can takes hours to return from.
The funny thing is.. it's all my own fault.
I hate saying that.
It almost seems unfair. because truly the cause of the triggers is from trauma and surely this trauma was caused by him. So unfair seems to be an accurate word to pin to it.
But unfair or not .. it's still real. And the outcome of the triggers is something I can control. And only me!
yuck.
It's powerful, yet so discouraging. Like a heavy load on my chest.
Sometimes I do really well with triggers.. when I do, this is how it goes:
Trigger: an image, something said, him on his phone, anything! triggers are everywhere.
I sit there and really think about the trigger I am feeling.. and why I am feeling it. Why it hurts.
I sit some more. I think this can go two ways.. I can go down the messy road of emotional mess and let the crazy come out. Or..
I take a breath.
I take another breath.
I accept the trigger and why it hurts.
I accept the situation.
I breathe some more.
I try to put myself back in the present... with the present husband.. who is trying hard to be in recovery.
Who isn't that man anymore. Who has changed and is changing.
I try to remember who I am now. Stronger. Wiser. Independent. In control.
I take another breath.
My mind takes the course of peace and acceptance.
It is a victory.
A victory well fought, if only for me see and pay glory to.

I wish I could say every trigger ended this way..
The other night I wasn't as strong. I let the crazy slide on in. She took reign of my mind and emotions. And a wild ride it was. And you can sure as hell bet I dragged him with me. But you see, he's healing and changing too... so now when I drag him on this ride... his emotions are stable. After a while he recapped the whole night since the trigger... and he truly wasn't doing anything wrong or against me. I was the one on the crazy rollercoaster. Like really. Crazy. Sobbing on the couch in the dark crazy.
Once I stopped and thought about what he said and what I was doing, I was so dissapointed with myself. I was sad. I was mad. I took the wrong path. The trigger was something that I could have dealt with so much more healthy... Instead I took it and ran with it. Making little jabs at my spouse along the way.
I'd like to say I learned a lot that night.
Triggers will hopefully become more manageable. And easeir to deal with in a positive way right off the bat.
Practice. I'll keep practicing.. repeating.. making a good habit. Maybe I'll trick my brain into recovery.