Girl power

I have found that I am a lot more outspoken with my opinions with my husband these last few months.
Maybe I just don't care about the outcome of my words because I know I will be fine either way.. or maybe it's because I think I have something to hold against him for everything he's done? I hope it's the first and not the second...
This addiction of his has affected my life so much. In so many ways. It's a part of every single day. And it's when its not in the forefront, it is in the back of my mind. It has changed me. How could it not? The trauma, the hurt... and trying to heal. I am not the same person I used to be. I lost myself for so many years. This last year I have been trying to reclaim myself! And with that I've added a few things to who I am.
I really feel that I have gotten so much girl power this last year.
I was never really a "girl power" kinda girl. I actually kinda thought it was dumb. I didn't care about it either way, because I didn't feel it had effected me either way. Until this. Until I decided to find myself again.
And now... I freakin love girl power!!! GIRL POWER!! YES! Blast that Katy Perry!! Blast that Beyonce!!!! And sometimes.. you might even catch me saying.. Screw men!!!  I get it girl power now ... and I love it.. And I may even be a litte bit bitter about it too. And for now.. I guess that's okay. One step at a time.
When he talks to me meanly- now I say something.
Especially in front of his family (which he has done for years)- now I say something.
When he is talking mean to my kids (the tone and shortness) - you bet I say something.
When he wants to do something or talk about something that I don't - I say something.
It's hard to realize how passive I was and how much I put up with... maybe even thinking it was normal.
Because I don't have to put up with anything I don't deserve.
And I am stronger now than ever to deal with his reactions.
I got the freakin eye of the tiger people!

Morphing love

A beautiful sunset outside my back door. all taken within minutes of eachother. 

Yesterday was the deadline. The day he was supposed to have two different appointments set up. One being the counselor. It was my deadline.. I gave him 3 days. He called the last minute and they were closed. So annoying. 

It made me feel like I'm the one who has to get stuff done. 

That he is too lazy. 

That he doesn't care enough. 

That he doesn't take me seriously.

And it made me think... what kind of person did I marry?! Seriously. Why couldn't he take this seirously and be proactive and make an appointment the next day!! Because- Hell!- she's gonna kick me out if i don't?!?! Whyyy. Sometimes I can be a big whiny baby. 

The thing was... we were having a great night, we really were. Just enjoying eachother.  A great weekend! We had just had dinner with friends and family- we and we were on our way to play games. He was great! He's hilarious. He's my best friend. 

But if he's all those things... why is he so dumb too. 

I had a thought. -- Are we just so busy in our day to day .. and surface stuff and everything feels good and fine? But then when it gets down to the deep important stuff --- it's stupid.. like... I think how could i have chosen this for my life. Is all that surface stuff saving our marraige?? Is it just enough to keep things toghether until things are really healed and in recovery?? It's as if our realtionship shifts with every conversation.. every mood.. every outing. It changes.. 

I didn't want to voice these thoughts to him. I think it would have come off the wrong way. 

My hope is our love can morph into something truly beautiful and whole. 

That is something it never has been... not even from the beginning.

Because in the end... I do love him.

That's what sucks.

Off again

(source)

Things have felt so off lately. The man has been short with the kids. He is tuned out from the world in front of him. He’s on his phone or computer all the time. I could feel something was happening.. something was off. But he wasn’t “acting out” that I ever found so it was hard to pinpoint. And then of course.. someone I get talked into sex even though everything feels so off.. and magically everything better for a day. 

Yesterday was alright though. We had dinner.. took some treats to someone.. and then I started to give my son a haircut. Just normal weeknight stuff. 

Until last night, yet again I came across instagram haps. 

last week or whenever it was, i told him to stop following this girl on instagram from high school. Oh ya know, just the girl he tried to get with right after breaking up with me, but yet we were still “doing things” (dear 17 yr old me... RED FLAG) 

So we talked about how that was innapropriate for him to be following her let alone liking her selfie pictures and such. He agreed with what I was saying and unfollowed her. I told him yet again!!! Do not follow any girls on instagram/twitter without letting me know and checking with me first. He said of course. 

One of my boundaries was if I found anything on instagram he would have to leave for the night. He knew this. 

Fast forward to last night. My little one is carrying around his phone upstairs so i take it from him. I start to look around on his insta. And lo and behold there were 4 pictures that he like of the same girl from before.. after he unfollowed her. And there was a new girl that i didn’t know who he started following and liked her pictures. 

I was livid. 

I tried to keep calm though. I asked the man to come upstairs. I pointed out what I found. And how we had literally just had this conversation. He began with the excuses. Whyyyyyyy do men do this? try and rationalize their behavior?!? 

Wanna hear his ridic excuse? “the girl liked one of my pictures... and since i don’t follow her anymore I didn’t want her to feel bad so I went to her pictures.. and liked them.” And when he said went to... he means stalked. It was obvious stalking. I pointed that out too and he didn’t object. I then asked about the other girl he started following and he said oh she liked one of my pictures and i didn’t know who it was.. so i went to her profile and its someone from my middle school” 

Again... we’ve had this conversation a million times. 

Just because someone likes your picture doesn’t mean you follow them.

  you do not follow girls from the past. (we have had situations happen with girls even from his middle school years) Oh and 

 not to mention the conversation we had days earlier about not following anyone without checking with me.

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.

I could not even believe was happening. 

Did he not take my words seriously?! Does he think I’m stupid and he can get away with this over and over?! Does he not care.... truly.. does he not care enough to take my boundaries seriously.

I was getting really upset. And I still had to finish my son’s haircut... who was waiting downstairs. 

I told him that we’d put the kids down to bed and he would be leaving for the night. 

After bedtime, he came in the room and started grabbing stuff. I’m just not strong enough to let him walk right out. We started to talk about things. After basically me talking.. i told him he could stay on the couch and leave his phone with me. 

Of course I searched through his phone for anything I might have missed. The crazy takes over... i hate that. 

I was about to call a friend and get some calm in me, but then he returned to the room. 

He was like a sad puppy. And I was a sad and Angry puppy. 

We again tried to talk through things. 

It’s crazy, the journey that talking take you on. Sometimes I really like it and it feels like good breakthroughs are being made. And then at some points in the conversation I end up in my head like why the hell are we talking about that!? at some points I feel like he’s trying to fault me for something.. because maybe it makes him feel better? Of course thats just the way I feel... who knows what his intentions are. 

We talked about instgram and twitter. Those dreaded apps that (one) i love so much. He wanted to delete it. My feelings on that calls for whole other post. But..

We covered some good ground in the hours long conversation that we both agreed to.. and he has acknowledged.

He was complacent. He was fine where he was at and comfortable. Going through the motions. 

He still hasn’t gotten through step 1 and accepting help. And he needs the oustide help and support.

If he wanted to be with me and this family, he needed to be in active recovery. If not, I will re-evaluate my decision in the relationship.

He needs to be in active recovery not just for me. But for him. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to live to his potential. He needs to do it for himself. 

He said something at one point that truly scared me.. but it was also very enlightening. He said when someone tells him he can’t do something.. he’ll do it. Which I know to be true about him. I.E. triathlons. And there I was telling him he needs help. He said that he was just having this inner battle. One side is saying “You can do this by yourself. just one last try. if you can’t do it by yourself this time, you’ll get help.” 

The other side is saying, “You need help. It’s okay. You’ve had your chances. You need other help and support.” 

My heart sank. He was truly in this inner battle.  He said he has decided that and knows he needs help and will get it. Time will tell if he truly decided in his heart though. I know he is capable. He just has to accept it. 

The plan: He will be trying a different support group. And going back to the counselor.

My plan:  I need to practice more self care.. and detachment. And sticking to my boundary consequences. 

hopefully we can be "on" again.

Sex Sucks

Sex addiction has made my sex life hell. Anyone else raise your hand...
Coming back from that and the journey to having a healthy sex life.... sucks.

I awoke this morning with the man's hands on me. Lately it's been the good kind of hands. Loving hands, adoring hands. This morning felt different. Whether it was just me or it was what it seemed. It felt forceful. It felt like he knew what he wanted and he was gonna get it. Forget the "good morning" or soft good morning kiss. I'm not sure what was going through his head so I can't speak there. But the feeling I had was familiar. A feeling that I used to feel all the time when he persued sex with me.

He tried to take things further.. still not a word even being said to me or even at my face level. I angrily butted him off and scooted to the side. I was angry. And I didn't care to hide it. After laying there.. I succomed to feeling sorry.. WHY?! no idea. I told him I was sorry. He said it was "okay". And he layed there. This is actually better than what he used to do- get annoyed and upset with me. This was progress. But it still sucked none the less.

Kids came in and wanted to open their twelve days of christmas present from the grandparents. He was barely present- laying in bed. I started to get the kids downstairs for breakfast. I put a load of laundry in. All the while my emotions are on that horrible rollercoaster. I check back in my room. He's still lying there. I said are you going to come downstairs? He said "I will." I tried to pry some talking out of him. I I knew something was amiss. and I knew the reason.. But I wanted to talk through it. All he said was that he's just feeling sorry for himself. right whatever. I closed the doors to the room. If he was going to wallow then I'm going to act like I don't even have him. Because when I say no to sex... this is what I choose. I choose a long emotional morning. I know this. It's not new. I know for a fact if we would have had sex, he would have been perked up right out of bed afterwards and probably gotten the kids breakfast and been present and happy.  I knew that. I knew that when I said no to sex it was going to be a long morning. So whatever. I decided he can wallow and I can not give a f about him. That's fine. I kind of proved to myself how still attatched I am to him and his addiction. I cannot for the life of my fully detatch.

He finally came downstairs an hour later. I didn't acknowledge him. I didn't feel I needed to or even the least bit wanted to. He got right on his laptop. I glared at him. I despised him. He still wallowed. I hate when he wallows in front of me. Get out of my face. I don't need you or this in my life. I was still so angry. And can I just say how much I hate electronics. his phone, his computer, his twitter, I wish he would prefer being present in real life with us than finding out the latest on his social media. It's insulting.

Back to this morning.

He started acting like everything was normal about an hour later. We still weren't talking. How infuriating is that.

He came over to me. still not saying a thing about this.. I said .. I hate this. He said, "I'm sorry. Me too. I'm sorry.. I just had to wallow for a bit... watch some videos to relax and now i'm fine"

Wow. Great.

I said "where does that leave me in all this??"

He said "Well how do you feel?"

I feel a lot more than what I told him.. which was cut short because of a phone call.

We are at this standstill... in recovery. In his recovery and then seperately my own.

He doesn't go to the counselor. He doesn't do his independent scripture / recovery study anymore. He used to do those things.. and things were good. they felt good. But I can feel things slipping. I can feel and sense his annoyance with little things like he used to do. With the kids. with me. with anything!

I can feel that.

Of course he didn't think we or he are at standstill. I pointed out some of those things and he agreed.

I hate this.

Is that okay?? Cause I do.

And sometimes I don't want to be strong.

Sometimes I just want to be angry. And I want to kick him in the butt to get back on track. Like fully.

I'm angry. and I hate this. and that's okay.

Me

I love rollercaosters. But not this one.

I am the wife to a sex addict.
I was a teen mom.
I have 3 young children.
I'm too young for this.
I want to heal.
I want to write about it.

I have been married for 7 years. It's been a rollercaoster that I will elaborate on another time.
But for now.
I just want a place to write.
I deserve it.
I want to look back and see what I've learned. See my progress in this healing process. And connect with others who know more.

Being damaged sucks. Losing myself sucked. But I can find me again. Because there is so much more to me than just being a wife to a sex addict.

And I can be fully happy... with just me.. no matter the outcome of this rollercaoster ride.