My Story

My story feels long.. because it is long. There's no shortcut... or short story about it.
Really my story goes back. The root of how I was even attracted to a male like my husband goes back to my childhood.. and you know the story... girl without a decent father looks for that male closeness somewhere else. Typical right? That's exactly what I did.. and somehow I ended up being attracted to someone who was like my father in many ways.
I got pregnant my senior year in high school. Right after I turned 18. The boyfriend and I got marriend 2 months later right as the second semester started. It was a whirlwind. I barely remember details of how the decision was made. I was numb.
I should have seen the red flags while we were dating. He didn't have the cleanest boyfriend record with me and was constantly a flirt.  I suppose I thought marraige would fix that. Especially since he was very adament about getting married. I should have asked questions. I should have clung to my gut feelings. I should have been more present and realistic. It wasn't being teenagers that was the problem. No.. he would have had this problem long into his 20's with or without me getting pregnant. It was the addiction that had a hold on him from the get go. He didn't have a chance.
Right after we got married... (living with my parents... still in high school) I had a friend/girl come to me with texts from my husband. Picture texts, dirty texts... check. My husband denied it. I even saw the wall art from my own room in the background of that dirty picture. My gut was yanking at me. But my husband denied and denied. Saying, it wasn't him... someone hacked his phone pictures and was setting him up. This was the case for a year and a half with more girls. Things would come up of texts/ facebook etc. and he would deny.. i would reluctantly believe. Because if i wasn't getting a full admission... how could I divorce him on only accusations. It was horrible. It was a dark time.
Finally when I was pregnant with our second baby a year and a half into our marraige... things kept happening. He was still denying. We took some time apart. And I dug deep into what my next step was. It was heartwrenching to be in that position to take away my babys dad. But I couldn't live like that anymore either. He still wasn't letting up. He was still denying and blaming it all on "hacking".  Made me feel like I was crazy. Oh the damage already being done. At the end of our seperation I decided to stay with him. I told him "Look .. I don't believe you. I believe you are lying and you did all those things. But I am willing to stay with you and work this out. Things need to stop." I gave him so many opportunities to tell me the truth. The truth i was just yearning for. It didn't come. So the conversation ended like that and we stayed together. Me believe he was lying, him insisting he wasn't but we were going to make things work.
A year or so later, I kept finding pornography. I kept finding texts.. emails.. craigslist.. facebook. Everything and anything. One after another. The marraige was falling apart and it wasn't going to work like that anymore.
I hit a very dark low place. I freaked out after yet another finding. Completely went crazy. Because he was literally making me feel crazy with all his lies. I went into my closet and let all my frustrations out kicking and punching. I think I scared him. I came out of my closet.. and that's when he revealed the truth. The truth I had always known. The truth I had always longed for!
All those incidents were him. They were all him. And..
He was addicted to pornography. He had been since he first saw it when he was around 12 years old.
It all rooted from pornography.
He did see our Bishop at that time.. but unfortunately I got the run around of "love your wife more.. read the scriptures together, pray together. love your wife!" needles to say it didn't help. I knew the problem wasn't being addressed.
So off we went for another couple years in the ups and downs of the addiction. Even then we didn't know he had an addiction. No one had even mentioned the word addiction. Yet things kept happening. The girls. the porn. that dang internet!  It was a lonely and confusing time with plenty more tears and pain.
Finally in 2012 I had enough.
We were in our new ward by then. Twitter was ever so alive and present in our life. And he made connections with a woman on there. I couldn't take it anymore. I told him he had a problem and he needed to get help or I was getting a divorce.
The Bishop this time around changed our life.
He sent him to counselor.
He actually said the word ADDICTION.
He acknowledged my pain and trauma.
He took it seriously.
Unfortunately my husband slipped up again soon after. only months later. but this time more personal than ever. With a close friend of both of ours. "just" texting. The detials of the incident is still hard to relive ... it feels like it was just yesterday. It was right after he blessed our 3rd baby. My husband and the other party didn't tell me for a month. Until my "friend" forced him to. It was my lowest point. I didn't know what I was going to do. I thought we had been gaining ground on this. What happened was too close to it becoming real life.. real infidelity... though truly... isn't it all infidelity whether physcial or emotional? The emotional remains of the event is the same. Devestation and trauma.
That was a huge turning point for us. A real one. I can only hope that was my husband's rock bottom. I'd like to say that it was. But I can't say for sure.
But I do know that it changed everything.
He found a better counselor that he connected more with.
They worked on things and we have found that he is dealing with more of a sexual addiction. A lust addiciton, that has stemmed from the pornography addiction.
We have since made huge strides in the world of recovery.
Heck we learned about RECOVERY. We learned there were support groups. I learned about WOPAS!! I went to a retreat just for us WOPAS.
We can say sex addiction outloud and not shudder.
We might even joke about it.
This is not to say we are there yet.
He is still in the very begninning stage of Recovery... try step 1.
And I am still in the very beginning of my own recovery.
I have so much to learn. I have a ways to grow.
But I am beyond grateful for whatever reason that I am going through this.
I feel that my whole life was kind of leading to this kind of relationship. What are the odds that I would be able to handle it so well... considering how sucky it truly is.
Each day is different and Recovery is never a gaurentee. So we live day by day. I am committed to the relationship as long as he is in recovery. If I feel he is not, I re-evaluate my situation.
I am trying as hard as I might to let go of the fear.
I want to feel more peace in my life.
Because now I know, that whatever road my husband takes.. I will be okay. I will TRULY be okay. And I think that is a great thing.
Now I pick up the pieces and find the person I lost all those years ago.