Morphing love

A beautiful sunset outside my back door. all taken within minutes of eachother. 

Yesterday was the deadline. The day he was supposed to have two different appointments set up. One being the counselor. It was my deadline.. I gave him 3 days. He called the last minute and they were closed. So annoying. 

It made me feel like I'm the one who has to get stuff done. 

That he is too lazy. 

That he doesn't care enough. 

That he doesn't take me seriously.

And it made me think... what kind of person did I marry?! Seriously. Why couldn't he take this seirously and be proactive and make an appointment the next day!! Because- Hell!- she's gonna kick me out if i don't?!?! Whyyy. Sometimes I can be a big whiny baby. 

The thing was... we were having a great night, we really were. Just enjoying eachother.  A great weekend! We had just had dinner with friends and family- we and we were on our way to play games. He was great! He's hilarious. He's my best friend. 

But if he's all those things... why is he so dumb too. 

I had a thought. -- Are we just so busy in our day to day .. and surface stuff and everything feels good and fine? But then when it gets down to the deep important stuff --- it's stupid.. like... I think how could i have chosen this for my life. Is all that surface stuff saving our marraige?? Is it just enough to keep things toghether until things are really healed and in recovery?? It's as if our realtionship shifts with every conversation.. every mood.. every outing. It changes.. 

I didn't want to voice these thoughts to him. I think it would have come off the wrong way. 

My hope is our love can morph into something truly beautiful and whole. 

That is something it never has been... not even from the beginning.

Because in the end... I do love him.

That's what sucks.